definitely not at all what I expected

As this year comes to a close, I've spent a good deal of time reflecting [from my hospital bed] about the things I expected to be doing and what has actually happened. 

I mentioned awhile back [pre-hospital] that I had some things lined up in the coming weeks that I was super excited about. The hubs and I went to see OVO in Atlanta and it was fabulous. 

I was so excited to take my parents over Thanksgiving weekend to see the Fantasy in Lights at Callaway Gardens. My husband and I had plans to go to the Nutcracker ballet in early December. Needless to say, neither of those things happened [but luckily the good folks at Groupon and Ticketmaster were kind enough to issue me full refunds considering my situation]. 

I was so excited to celebrate my first real Christmas with my husband. Have our first real tree, set up our decorations and host a holiday party for friends [I'm eternally thankful for our faux-Christmas last year, but it involved setting up a friend's tree, not our own]. 

It all seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things, but it is all stuff that I was really looking forward to. I've joked with my husband that when I hopefully get out of here, I will celebrate Christmas. I don't care if it is July.

Instead of planning for New Year's parties, I'm waiting for the doctors to tell me if/when I'll have a transplant. 

Instead of planning for the move that we have coming up in March [yes, we're moving again, lol], I'm sitting back knowing that I will likely have no part in any of it as I will hopefully be recovering from my transplant. 

When I focus on all of these things, it's easy to get into the sad, frustrated, dear-God-why-me?! attitude. Despite having been regularly upbeat about my situation, it has still been a roller coaster and I'd be lying if it didn't suck, and suck big time. Being a type-A person, it is really hard to go from utter control of my life to having little control over what is going on. 

I do my best to focus on the positive though, because really, there isn't any other way. The procedures and risks and potential side-effects scare the beejezus out of me, but that doesn't mean they go away. I also try to play an active role in my care -- I ask plenty of questions and share my opinion [respectfully, of course] with my nurses and doctors. 

When I find it hard to focus on the positive, I need not look very far. My mom has turned my bathroom door into a giant Christmas tree of cards that I've received. I have had friends and family visit, care packages sent from all over, books from my wishlist sent since I can't receive flowers, and the support has simply blown me away. Because of that, it is easy for me to see past the shitty situation I find myself in and realize I am so, so incredibly lucky. 

Thank you all for your continued love, prayers, thoughts and support -- you all never cease to amaze me in your generosity. I wish you all a happy and healthy[!] new year.